Pursuit of Perfection

Early in our marriage a counselor friend of mine said something to me that made a significant impact on me. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember the message God spoke through him. At the time I sat in his office and shared that I was discouraged because it seemed I could never do enough to please my wife. I felt like I was trying very hard to do what she expected. Sometimes she wouldn’t even notice my efforts at alb l. I felt like giving up.

He stopped me and said something like, “Don’t let that bother you; she was made to long for perfection. This is good news. It means she is longing for heaven.”

Since that day I have added many things to this message from real life experience. It started with a personal struggle, If she is longing for perfection, then I am off the hook, because she won’t find that in me or any other person on earth. But just as I felt relief, I realized my responsibility as a husband to be a Godly man that would show the character of Christ. Now the pressure is on again, but wait, that’s not something I can do in my power. So the pressure is off again. So all I have to do is yield to Christ in me. Now the battle begins again because I am not sure I completely trust Him, But WHY?

Why don’t I trust Him completely? The answer is, I just don’t know Him well enough. After all these years, all the bible training and all the amazing things he has done for me and I still don’t completely trust him?

I am only a little encouraged as I realize that I am in good company. Paul spoke of his struggles to do the right things even when he genuinely wanted to; he seemed to be unable to. The Israelites did the same; over and over again God came through in miraculous ways. It didn’t take long for them to forget all that He had done and begin to complain again. Then God would send a prophet and the people would bow down and praise God. We may think that is absurd but many of us are guilty of even shorter memories. How many of you had a spiritual revelation last Sunday, but today can not remember exactly what it was that stirred your heart? This is the very reason that Jesus said to practice the taking of the elements (communion), so that we would remember. God knows we have short term memory problems. He can help us, if we ask Him to.

I refuse to forget that God brought my wife and I together, and that He knew what He was doing. She is part of His plan in my life to make me into the man He has called me to be.

God is training me to hear the deeper message from my wife’s heart. The message I hear is, “We’re not home yet. I’m not sure I like it here. I just want to go home…. I want perfection, I want heaven, I want Jesus. ”

I can’t say I never take it personally anymore, but I can say I am learning to hear the deeper things, I am learning to hear what is not said and to answer the questions that are never asked. I can hear her now, Asking “Am I loved? Am I worth fighting for?” The answer is a resounding YES. But am I speaking her language? Can she even hear me? I am happy to say with God’s help, I am learning to speak “Cindy”. I still need a translator sometimes; He is always there ready and willing to translate a language that only He is fluent in. Sometimes I find myself laboring over every word, struggling to make sense of things, forgetting that all I have to do is ask for a word from the ultimate communicator. What are my lines again?

Other times I think I am speaking eloquently and thinking to myself, “I am good at this”, and then I look at her and see a confused look and then I realize I’ve been speaking “James” and she has not understood a word.

As the years have gone by my wonderful wife has learned to be more content and to seek God to fulfill her needs. Now when I do well at loving her, she is able to enjoy my efforts instead of it being just one small effort that gets lost in a great list of expectations.

So next time you are feeling discouraged about your marriage, ask yourself if you are speaking the right language. Give yourself a break. It’s not your job to make her or him feel loved, that is God’s job. Your job is to love them. Find joy in that. Find joy in learning his or her language and remember there is only one translator who speaks their language fluently, don’t forget to ask for the Holy Spirit to give you just the right words to say. Your job is to love and if you are loving well, the process of loving will fulfill you, it will give you strength that you did not know you had. It will leave you needing nothing but the author of love (Jesus).

We are made for Heaven, So it is not a surprise that we are pursuing these things. We must admit and know that we will not see perfection and we will not be completely happy until we are home in heaven with our creator.

Once we have admitted this and agree that God has put us with the man or woman that He has for a reason then we have to safeguard against falling back into this terrible trap that often ends in divorce.

In the next 2 sections or chapters I will begin to outline how some couples react when they notice a lack of perfection or happiness.

Read with Me!