Pre-Forgiveness

Recently I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. He was telling me honestly that he really did not like one of the statements I often make. That statement as quoted from my book “The Marriage Guarantee” is as follows.

I would like to present this challenge to you. Begin each day
on your knees asking God to forgive you for your sins, and then
turn to your spouse and ask them to forgive you. Tell them you
know you have failed them and that you will try even harder to
love them as God loves them. Try it. You will be amazed at what
God will do.

He said “I don’t like it! I just woke up and I haven’t done anything yet and your asking me to ask God to forgive me and then ask my wife to forgive me.”

Oh, I said, I guess we don’t have the same definition of sin. So I went on to explain.

Originally, sin was an archery term, Its literal meaning was “missing the mark.” If you think of the “bull’s-eye” on an archery target. The mark of dead center is perfection. You can miss the mark in any direction. The interesting thing is that when you let the arrow fly, you may think that you were on the target, but the results may show differently. Likewise, your intention not to sin is not even a guarantee that you wont. For example your friend who has just attempted to hit the bull’s-eye may tell you that he thinks the wind is blowing from the east and in response you adjust to compensate, however you may find the wind has diminished and your aim will be off and in this illustration you will have missed the mark and have sinned. I further explained that missing the mark is anything less than perfect or less than the character of God Himself.

He admitted that this definition and illustration is a little overwhelming. It is impossible to hit dead center every time, especially when you consider the size of the bull’s eye of God’s perfection is smaller than the smallest particle known to man. In fact it is impossible to even hit the target at all without the God who created us and all our surroundings.

Overwhelming? Yes. Impossible? Yes, without God’s moment to moment guidance through His Holy Spirit, It is impossible. But, that is the point! We must have faith in Him and agree that without His constant guidance, we WILL sin.

Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

So with this new understanding of sin, I think it is safe to say that we always have something that we need to be forgiven for, even if our intentions were good. This is the foundational understanding that can help us not to judge others and to create an attitude of pre-forgiveness. Pre-forgiveness is a conscious choice to forgive each other in advance of the offense based on an understanding of our own need to be forgiven by them and more importantly by God. Not forgiving them, most often will be more detrimental to you than it will be to them.

There are many examples of pre-forgiveness in my book, but I will share one that relates to communication.

One of the most important commitments a husband and wife can make is to both agree that you will allow each other to start over or do over a conversation. What I mean here is that you are both guilty of not being able to communicate perfectly. SO, when one of you says, “WAIT, let me say that again, because I think you took it wrong.” The other must agree to allow a do over and allow a clarification.

You see, this is true in every relationship. One person speaks words and uses certain tones, the other person interprets the best they can, but almost always, the interpretation of the listener is influenced by, past experiences, self esteem, upbringing, personality and gender. It is almost impossible to get a clear understanding without being calm, asking clarifying questions and building on a foundation of forgiveness.

I have spoken to so many couples that struggle with this basic communication killer. That killer is deciding that you know what they meant and are not allowing further clarification.

So in closing or should I say beginning? Use time out’s or pauses (See me for more on this), Agree to allow clarification and be willing to forgive and allow the previous words to be forgotten, since they are not an accurate representation of you spouses intended meaning. And most importantly stay connected with God’s Holy Spirit who will guide you in word and in deed.

Read with Me!