Understanding Conflict

Nobody likes conflict, some will agree with you just to avoid it and others will just walk away, but no matter how you handle conflict, I think you would agree that most relationship conflicts are about the way you want things to be. We find that it is easier to justify this self focus if we can make the battle between us and someone else, but most often the real battle is between us and God, our way vs. His way. His way is to consider others better than ourselves and to put their needs before our own. (Phil 2:3) What we are talking about is sacrifice. Sacrifice is not a pleasant thought for us; by nature we have difficulty with the thought of giving something up for someone else. It makes us uncomfortable, even though we understand Christ’s example and are thankful for His sacrifice for us, it is very difficult for us to consider sacrifice for others.

If Jesus were to stand in front of us now and ask us to do something for Him, I can imagine that anyone who truly understands what He did for us on the cross would say “Anything Jesus, anything at all”. If you are agreeing with me then let me ask you, is it the thought of Jesus standing in front of you that would make you respond in such a way? Or is it just the idea of doing something directly for Jesus? What if He wanted you to do something for another human being? Do you still have the same level of enthusiasm?

Let me take the focus off of you for a moment and remind you of a story in the Bible that may help to clarify this struggle.

The rich young man in Matthew 19:16-30 came up to Jesus and asked what he could do to gain eternal life. This passage is often used to warn people about the pursuit of worldly wealth and to caution them to not allow their love for money to keep them from serving God.

Today I want to dig a little deeper. I can only speculate here, but I think the man came up to Jesus and was excited and was thinking that he would do anything for Jesus. He probably expected Jesus to ask him to do something for Him or maybe he expected Jesus to just say follow me as He had said to the disciples, I think it is even possible that if Jesus asked for his wealth he may have been willing to give much or all directly to Jesus, but Jesus saw his heart. He saw that the man not only loved his wealth, but that he was not willing to sacrifice for his fellow human beings.

It is hard for us to give up what we have for the benefit of even our loved ones, much less for strangers. In Matthew 25:40 we read.

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

We must ask God to help us to have this attitude. It does not come naturally for us. We need God to transform our minds, to help us to be just as willing and excited to serve others as we would be if Jesus were standing before us asking us to do the same directly for Him. After all He is asking us.

So how does this relate to conflict? You see conflict often occurs when we are being asked to give something up or sacrifice for others. We become protective of our own wants and desires and sometimes our views.

How did we become so self protective?

We start very young with a self protection focus. God has made us with many defense mechanisms. When we are children our parents protect us from physical harm. Don’t touch that, walk don’t run, look both ways before you cross the street. Protecting ourselves is obviously a learned behavior. Have you noticed though that even as children, we did not learn until we were hurt. Although it is difficult I believe that this is what God meant for us to understand from

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

We usually stop there and say privately “That’s crazy! Who would rejoice during difficult times?” But lets read on.

James 1:3-4 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

You see the joy only comes after we have learned what God wants us to learn through the trials. The purpose of the hurt is so that we will grow and be mature.

Our parents protect us until we can protect ourselves and then we begin to avoid difficulties to avoid being hurt. As we grow older we avoid being hurt at all costs. In the same manner we avoid conflict to avoid being hurt. But we are also avoiding growth.

Recently as we have been mentoring young couples who are about to be married we have discussed how important it is to be willing to do hard things. Doing hard things including sacrificing your way for your mates or even better your way for God’s way.
My prayer for all marriages including my own is that we would welcome the hard decisions as God’s way of continuing His transforming work in us.

Philipians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

And as one of my favorite Christian music groups “Mercy Me” says in one of their songs “Bring the Rain” We need to be ok with welcoming the hard times. Too many Christian marriages end because they are not happy any more or they are not in love any more.

Is there one thing?

A friend of mine wrote:
I see all your sweet pre-marital couples online. They look so young, fresh and happy! You must love working with them.

There have been many people in my circle who have recently divorced. These are Christian people who love God. And, I know that every situation has a different story.

But, here’s my question. Funny, coming from someone like me who’s been married 20 years. My marriage has had all of those “things” that break up a marriage (except infidelity–which I consider a result, not a cause). Do you think there is one thing that keeps a marriage together?

People have commented on how lucky I am. Or on how much they admire that my marriage has lasted. And, they ask how we do it. Like there is some secret to staying married. Other than just staying married!

When my kids are misbehave and have to be punished, I’ve heard the famous, “You don’t love me.” from them. I always challenge them on that. Making sure they understand the difference between being mad at someone and not loving them. And, if they are aware of a fight between my husband and me, I reassure them with the same explanation. Daddy and I still love each other, we are just angry (or just disagree) on something.

So, when people ask me how we make our marriage last, my answer is that I love him. But that seems to leave an opening for falling out of love. A danger that one of those “things” could erode the love and end the marriage.

So, what is it? Why do I reach a point where I can’t imagine staying with “this man one more day!” and yet, would never walk away.

So, is hope the one thing? I know that any problem will be resolved in some fashion. If I didn’t know that, would that be the end?

I’ve heard people say that “commitment” is the one thing. But that sounds so dry. Like you’d be stuck in a lifeless marriage forever just because it is the right thing to do.

“Communication” is another thing you are taught from pre-marital years on. Is it being able to discuss anything and everything with your partner that keeps a marriage cemented?

So, what do you think, James? Are there many things that destroy a marriage, but one thing that holds it together? Or, are people who have been married for many years, keeping a lot of balls in the air? And are they just “lucky” that one of those balls hasn’t dropped? People talk about marriage being work. I don’t know that I’d describe it as work, more like a lot of decisions…made with prayer, a lot of talking and an understanding that we both want to be together.

One of my friends recently filled me in on the details of her divorce. And, despite being “experienced” at marriage, I was at a loss in trying to answer some of her questions. So, I just listened and empathized. But, this latest divorce between another Christian couple has me thinking (worrying) again about my conversation with my friend. Thought you might have some insight for me.

My answer:

Thank you for your confidence in me. I do not claim to have all the answers on this subject, but as the title of my blog/book TheAuthorOfMarriage.com suggests God is the author of marriage. So based on what I believe He says I will try to answer the best that I can.

Is there one thing that keeps a marriage together? I think it is clear that there are different things that have been successful in keeping marriages together. As Christians the easy answer is God. But if knowing God was the answer then there would have to be a 100% failure in non-Christian marriages. And 100% success rate in Christian marriages, which we all know is not true.

Since your question is primarily focused on Christian couples, I will answer that first and reword your question slightly.

Is there one thing that can keep a Christian couple together? To that question I say yes there is one thing, yet it may show up in the common answers like commitment, love, respect and many more. The one thing is a willingness to change and be transformed.

If both husband and wife are committed to God and will acknowledge that the Author of marriage has a purpose for putting two people together and asking them to be one, then I believe that marriage will stay strong and last.

Most people don’t ever ask what the purpose of marriage is. People get married for many reasons including having a companion, being happy, being complete and many more that they may not want to admit, like having someone to mow the lawn or do the dishes and cook.

I believe the answer to what can keep a couple together is also the answer to the question, What is the purpose of marriage?

So why does it seem that even the most Godly people are not immune to divorce? I think it is again based on our willingness to change. Not just changing the obvious things that we read about in the scriptures. I think the hardest things to change are the ones that we can not find in the scriptures, like what is a wise spending choice? We do not find passages that tell us if it is ok to spend money on getting your hair done, going to the movies, which clothes to buy, how big of a tv you should have, how much money you should save or what about things like parenting? We have some basics, but we are not told what grades they should get, should we push them harder, should we let them fall and pick themselves up?

Now, I am sure that somewhere in that list you said, I know the answer to that one. But do you? And what is your answer based on? You may even say to me your answer is based on the scriptures, but I would say that your answer is based on your understanding of scriptures at this time. Now, I agree there are some things that are not grey areas and that the scriptures speak very clearly on. But what about the rest? What do you do when you think there is a certain way things should be done and your spouse disagrees with you?

So the answer to success in marriage is to be willing to change for the benefit of your spouse. But what about the things that you have proof that your way is right? Maybe even from the scriptures?

As Christians we study the word and sometimes with the best of intentions to know God better and love Him more. But sometimes we open God’s word to prove a point. Usually something we have already made up our mind on. If we can find support for our view we will use it to win. This usually happens without us being aware. This is the reason that we must look again each and every day. I am sure you have read certain passages over and over and then one day, you see something or understand something you did not understand before.

So with that possibility that you may not have completely understood everything about that passage you are standing so strong on. Revisit your beliefs again and do it together. The more you think you know the harder it will be.

So my challenge is to rethink the things you think you know and have proven with scriptures. Revisit each topic together.

Now, again what about the things that are not clear in the scriptures? What about preferences, personality differences or the way we grew up? These are most often the things that are the most difficult because there is no right answer. It is with these issues that we can chip away at each other. Just one difference is not a problem, but most of us have an undefined limit. This limit is influenced by our past, our upbringing or family tradition.

The question is, Are you willing to change these things? Some would say “WHY?” It is who I am. But I have to remind you that the Author of marriage says “Consider others better than yourself”. By His example we are called to sacrifice everything including our lives if necessary. Marriages fail because we want to keep our identity, but God wants to transform us and He wants to use our spouses to do that. Divorce is most often a resistance to the transformation.

So I believe the answer is change and sacrifice.
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Most of us will never be asked to actually give up our lives for our spouses, but giving up our wants, needs and desires for each other is the least we can do.

I believe the reason we have trouble with sacrificing for others is because of our difficulty with another word ‘Trust’. If we really trusted God then we would not have such difficulty with giving up our own wants and desires for Him or for others.

We have to change our thinking
Many of us have been brought up with a concept of, ‘If I don’t stick up for myself then no one else will’ or ‘If it’s gonna be it’s up to me.’, My wife Cindy will share with you that she even had a coffee mug with this on it at one point in her career. After trusting Christ as her Savior she realized this was somewhat self focused, and has long since retired the mug and that philosophy.

Trust Him
So why don’t we trust God with all of our lives? I am convinced that the answer to that is that we do not know Him well enough. So this is where I leave you with a challenge. Fall on your knees, acknowledge what Jesus has done on the cross, acknowledge His sacrifice for you, and ask Him to forgive you for your self seeking ways, then turn to your spouse, children and friends and ask them to forgive you. Now live each day aware of Gods presence, seek Him, learn from Him and read His love letter to you so you may know Him better.

Read with Me!